A LIFE WORTH SAVING
By Ushanda

Well-meaning people often tell suicidal persons that if they kill themselves, their spirits will be trapped in solitary agony on earth, or they’ll roast forever in hell, and other threats. When I was suicidal, I remembered hearing such terrifying thoughts from my mother, and others who cared about me. I knew those well-meaning people were desperately trying to save my life.

But they didn’t realize that those threats don’t help when a person is craving suicide. In fact, such added pressure may worsen the situation. The well-meaning people might not know that, for some of us, the THOUGHT of suicide may be the only comfort that can prevent the ACTION of suicide, at that time.

I don’t think the well-meaning people are aware of how much pain the suicidal person is experiencing.

While living in a large city of one so-called “third world” country, I saw many disabled beggars existing on the streets. Some had no legs, some were blind, or were crippled by other handicaps and diseases. In burning sun and driving rain, their lives looked rough. And yet, even though they had no hope of a better life, I saw how hard they fought to stay alive, even battling the police for their place on the ground.

They reminded me that our Higher Power/God/Allah/Great Spirit/Nature has created us with a Very Strong Instinct to Survive. So, can you imagine how much Pain a person must be feeling to make her or him consider ending their life?!

Have you ever been suicidal? If not, I am glad, and I hope you never experience that. But also, if you have never felt like killing yourself, it is likely that you have also not been conscious of the amount of Pain and hopelessness that is required to drive someone, against that powerful survival instinct, toward suicide.

What then, you may be wondering, does a person contemplating self-destruction need for them to stay alive? How could I help?

From my own experience I would say that suicidal people need at least one caring person who is willing and able to be with them through the crises of what feels to them like endless, unbearable Pain. Not just physically, but also emotionally being with them. Listening to and accepting their painful emotions can be powerful help. That means not trying to “cheer them up,” at the time of crises. Trying to change what the suicidal person is feeling can make them feel unaccepted and alone when their emotions are already intensified.

Sensitivity to their needs is important. You may offer a reality check, but ask first if they want to hear your point of view then. It is essential to not try to force your reality on the person in crisis.

Just because some people are able to put painful feelings out of their minds, doesn’t mean that everyone can do that. Or that every person can “put aside” conscious awareness of Pain any time present events trigger such feelings. The suicidal person might be temporarily locked into a mind state that allows them no other reality. Remember that they don’t choose pain and hopelessness anymore than you would. Later they may be able to consider other views. If they’ve been through Suicidal Hell before, for example, it may help for you to remind them that in the past, when it seemed the Pain would never end, it eventually did.

Another person’s showing love and respect has been essential for my survival when I was suicidal, to off-set the neglect and abuse experienced as a child. When our parents didn’t consistently demonstrate strong consideration for our needs and feelings, self-respect was devastated. Children’s self-concept is developed primarily from the way they are treated by early caretakers.

In the present, you can let your suicidal loved one know, specifically, what you see in them that you cherish.

Also help them to understand that their open expression of Pain is not harming you. And that you don’t think they are bad or inferior to be conscious of, and honest with, their emotional Pain. At the same time, with gentle sensitivity you can clearly state your own limits and needs as they arise. But if you honestly feel it, let them know that you are not giving up on them.

You can be responsive to the other person’s ongoing emotional changes by allowing yourself to be guided by your intuition. That opens the way for more help than the limited logical mind can imagine. If these suggestions sound unfamiliar or difficult, just follow your heart, your own loving-intention, and you will probably be able to help more than you might think.

Becoming suicidal completes a circle of Pain felt by we who were emotionally wounded early in life. The Pain of worthlessness felt today is the result of neglect and abuse experienced then, instead of the loving attention we needed and had a right to. When as children we were pressured to please others, forced to obey or endure cruelty, and then to repress our Pain, we were conditioned to keep pain-energy, unawares, in our bodies. As an adult the wounded inner child may finally be unable to wait any longer for full, conscious expression. At that point, we can bear no more.

To make the leap across that abyss to renewed life, we often need a supportive hand. By being willing to read about this difficult subject, you have taken an important step in extending that help to another, or to yourself. I don’t think I am alone in thanking you. Offering your hand may be crucial to saving a precious life.

For my sometimes-suicidal kindred, writing down these painful experiences can also help in times of crisis. Please remember that you are worth saving, worth asking for help from understanding people who care. You are courageous to have made it this far. I believe that you are more beautiful than any human being knows. You bring a uniqueness the world needs. Your life matters.

Now, when I’m not overwhelmingly triggered into early, Pain-based feelings, I know that I, too, matter. Not more or less than others—I believe we all have our own part to play in the amazing evolution of Life. Like the sign I once saw in a cooperative health food store, “God Don’t Make Junk.”

Now I am also learning that, even when a person is in Hell On Earth, Spirit extends a hand, often in human form, to show us the way through.

Ushanda, MA in Psychology, is a former psychotherapist
and Psychology instructor.