The life of an orphan in Germany
I
had the misfortune, to be born in
I am
born of a woman, whose heritage is eastern European gypsy. That was the reason,
the German child protection agency, took me away from my family in order for me
to suffer
under their oppression, to be germanized.
It is obvious, that I did not bow to their brainwashing, because I really hate
all the German agencies, churches and those people, who still look away.
This
is my story.
Torture, is that comes to my mind, when I
remember the orphanage Ruebezahl in the town of
There I got my first beatings at the age of
18 months. Curious, I tried to find out about the contents in that little round
can, that was used every time the shoes were being
shined.
Another time, I was 3 years old, older
children were being told to put us little ones in the
child carriage, to have a race. The boy, who pushed the buggy I was in, lost
his balance and I flew in the ditch filled with those stinging Nettles. I still
remember the pain. Instead of helping or
comforting me, the care taker, yelled at and start
hitting me and locked me in "The dark room" until I stopped crying.
After that I had to go without supper to bed.
If we kids got hurt, did we get always
beatings, the dark room and no food. Consequently we were always afraid to get hurt.
Just about every day, we had to stand in a
line. Nobody was allowed to move even a bit. Then one
of those heartless care takers beat us either with a
whip, a cane or a branch from a tree. If one of us did lose our balance, from
the force of the beatings, we got even more of those beatings. If we cried, we
had to go to bed without supper.
I have, ever since I can remember,
digestive problems. So, I threw up frequently, most of
the time in bed.
The care taker
refused to change my bedding. So, I had to find a spot
where I could sleep were it wasn't soiled.
Once I threw up in the hallway. The care taker tried to force me to eat my vomit. Since I always
refused to obey and did not eat my vomit, I spend a lot of
times in the dark room.
At the age of 5 I did
try, for the first time, to kill myself.
A few of us kids, were allowed to spend weekends with
unrelated families from the area near by. These People suppose to become our
foster parents. I (we) called them profit parents. On of the "weekend
parents" were uncle Gustav and aunt Kaete. I liked them, a lot. At one time
I listened to a conversation between my "weekend parents" and their
friends, and found out, that I wouldn't be allowed to see uncle Gustav and aunt
Kaete anymore. Upset I ran out on the street and
toward a fast moving car. As I came to (woke up), I cried, because I wasn't dead. I was brought to the
living room in the house where uncle Gustavs and aunt
Kaetes friends lived. An old Doctor came by, but I
was never taken to the hospital, even though I couldn't
walk.
For one week I was
allowed to stay with uncle Gustav and aunt Kaete,
then I had to go back to the orphanage, even though I was not well and couldn’t
walk.
I tried very hard to walk, because I didn't wanted to be punished again. One of the care taker made fun at me and laughed at me, because I
couldn't walk proper. It was too painful. This kind of humiliation was going on
for months. I was made being fun of by them, for many months.
A
boy from the orphanage threw once a rock at me and I ended up with a hole in my
head. I lost my memory for a week. I remember I was in a hospital and several
nurses were holding me down, so doctors could stick needles in my stomach. This
kind of torture in the hospital went on for weeks. I clearly remember, being afraid to eat
anything in the hospital. I might throw up again, they
would tortured more, just like they did in the orphanage. When I didn’t eat "all" my bread, back at the orphanage,
I was locked up in the dark room, until I have eaten every thing. This way I
learned very quickly where I could hide the bread, - behind wardrobes and other
corners.
I remeber there
were the english soldiers.
They came on motorbikes, Jeeps and sometimes cars. All the children from the
orphanage were afraid of them.
Those soldiers abused us sexually. I can't remember wether if I was a
sexually abused by those soldier or not, but I never wanted to go into the sick
rooms, next to the offices from Klara Meier. When the
soldiers came children were brought there.
One particular night, I woke up, because I
heard 2 boys cry. Then there was the voice of aunt Ingrid, one of the care takers. I was surprised that
she was at our barrack, even though she was responsible for an
another group of children.
Those two boys cried and begged:
"Please, please don't bring us there, we don't want to go there, they hurt
us again. Please, please, we promise to be good children."
The woman yelled:
"If you don't go, I am going to beat you all the way up there!" Then
she started to beat the two boys. They went to a door, which was
never locked and I followed quietly. I was so afraid, but I wanted to
help those two boys. As aunt Ingrid disappeared behind the office door, I went outside barrack and to look through the windows. But most of those windows were dark, except for 2 or 3. I
saw inside of the windows but I couldn’t see who was
laying in the big hospital Bed. Quickly I went to the back of the kitchen, and
dragged a wooden box to the lit window. In the big bed was little, Juergen. Juergen was naked and he
was bound at both hands to the top of the bed above
his head. His left leg was also tied to the bottom of
the bed, only the right leg laid there at an angel. I stared at him and then I
saw that large amount of blood, which seem to come out
of his buttocks. The blood covered a large area, from the hip to the knees and
right and left sides of the bed.
I froze in shock. There were a few people
in this room, who were arguing loudly. Two women from the orphanage, one of
them had short curly brown hair, and two men, I believe they were english soldiers. I had to get
away. I don't remember how I got back to my barrack. I
felt very sick and I didn't want to go to bed, because
I didn't want to throw up in it. Instead I went to the
little hedge that grew in front of our barrack to threw up there. It hurt so
bad, I gagged and gagged until I I
know there was no more food in my stomach. Then I went to bed.
I forgot almost instantly
about what I've seen.
One week, before the
One of those two remembered that this dead
boy was thrown into a hole behind the outhouse in
front of the barrack next to the street. A second boy, Timo,
and also two girls disappeared over night. We didn’t know where they went and we were forbidden, to ask
about any missing children.
Today as adults, do we realize that those missing children were not being picked up by foster parents,
because foster parents always came during the day time.
We three, from Ruebezahl
home, believe that those kids were being thrown in the monition bunkers which were on the property of the orphanage. Some
other bungers were in the near by area, even all the way to the former
guesthouse "Zum Roten
Fuchs"
From the time I was 6 weeks old, I suffered from neglect and abuse in one of those german orphanages. I was born in 1956, and the same people, who ran the orphanages, the youth agencies and the churches, during the Nazi regime, still were there in the 50's to the 70's.In October 1963 was I being transferred to solitary confinement. The youth agency called those "For Profit Hostage Takers", foster parents. Well their names were Kurt and Frieda Otto, they were already over 50 years old (older than my real grandparents), and they were just as bad, as the caretakers in the orphanage "Kinderheim Ruebezahl". I was promised, that I'll be staying with them for only 3 weeks. After those 3 weeks I packed my little suitcase and I was ready to go to that awful orphanage, I felt saver there with all the other kids, some of whom were my friends.
Frieda, I call her " the warden" laughed at me and told me, that I was going to stay with them from now on. As I started to cry, she got mad and called me her favorite name for me, which she used those horrible 7 years, I was forced to live with them. She called me "Bloedes Stuck Scheisse" translated "stupid piece of shit". From that moment on I knew, that I came from one hell into an another one. Since I was a child from an orphanage, I had to repeat the first grade. The reason was either, I was too young as I was put in school to begin with, because the people from the orphanage tended to lie about our ages and they made us older as we were, so that they can get rid of us for at least 1/2 of a day. Now that was fine with me anyway. But it was also one of those reasons the warden made fun of me for having to repeat the first grade, even though I had
in spite of my environment, good grades.
Kurt was a pedophile, I found out about that fact, a few weeks before Christmas 1963. I was forced to wash myself fully in a large plastic tub in the dining room. He came in and told me that he was going to wash me.
He started to wash me all the way to my privates, then he stopped and started to open up my vagina lips, I started to cry and I tried to climb out of that tub. He let go then.
But things got worse as time went on. He periodically tried to rape me and the warden knew about it, because I told her.
Around easter the following year came the Nazi-bitch, who is responsible for my placement, in my second hell, to see how I was doing. I told her that I want to go back
to the orphanage because the man always want to look at my privates. There were only the three of us in that room, that Nazi-bitch,
the warden and me, it was so quiet, it was deafening. The warden laughed nervously and the Nazi said, you don't talk about things like that. I started to cry and ran outside.
I don't know what was being said between those to women at my absence. The Nazi left shortly after, and I was punished by the warden she took her cooking spoon and beat me with it, until it broke.
Beatings were going to be part of my life with those monsters.
I was forced to repeat the first grade, in the files was stated, that I was too small and weak for my age, and that was the reason that I have to repeat that first grade, now that was BS.
I was a good student, but I was also a child who has been neglected and abused all her life. So it wasn't surprising, that I had problems in some areas, like keeping a perfect
homework book. I had problems with writing ledgeably. I had to do my homework alone, I had nobody to help me with it. So almost every night so around 12 - 1 am, the warden
woke me up and made me redo my entire homework again, just because she didn't like the way I wrote it, even though the homework was done correctly but not perfect, due to my handwriting.
It was torture, every night I was
forced to go to bed at
But my problems in school were an excuse by the pedophile and warden to beat me all the time, with cooking spoons, whips and other items, that happened to be within their reach, including chairs. If they couldn't find items to beat me with, they would kick me, throw me around and spit on me.
As I started to develop breast , things went from bad to worse. The pedophile came after me, every chance he had. He spied on me when I took a shower, so that I had to lock the bathroom door and put a towel over the door handle so that that towel would cover the keyhole completely, through which he spied on me. He grabbed me and tried to force himself on me.
As I was 9 years old I finally got my own room, until then I was "sleeping" in the dining room on a chaise lounge. So, I had my room upstairs, which was beside an apartment, the Ottos rented to a widow, Frau Kinast.
The pedophile had most of his chances to sexually abuse me, when the warden was gone during the day, she either worked at the farmers to help with the planting, or at the nursery and the hospital where she cleaned.
She didn't finished school, neither did the pedophile. I saw my social worker maybe 2-3 times a year, but when one of those women showed up, I always told them about the abuse, and nobody listened or they told me to stop with those lies, unless I want to go to the psychiatry to get medicated. My chances of getting out of this hell were in my
mind slim, but I tried to talk to anybody, who would take enough time to stop and listen. Nothing ever happened.
In this period I started to cut myself, started to steal alcohol and pills und on several occasions, I tried to kill myself. Many times, I’d run away and stayed gone for up to 2 days at a time. The warden and the pedophile never reported it to anybody. If the
social worker would come, they'd tell her, that I had somehow an accident, or I was at a friends house and the Nazis took it as truth, no matter what I said. I was the little lying orphanage child, who was born a liar, I lie even if I would open my mouth to breathe, eat or drink.
This is what I was told those horrible years on daily basis. They also had the audacity to tell me, that I should be thankful to them, that they allow me to "live" with them.
But that their God has punished “them” , by sending me. And they ask, why they were being so punished with a bad little girl like me, that they were the good people who mean well, and that I am the bad child, since I came from the orphanage and since I came from bad blood. As I asked about my birthparents, was I being told, that both of them were dead. They tried to force me to call them Mama and Papa, I always talked to them in the
formal form of Herr and Frau Otto, (Mr.and Mrs.Otto) or I didn’t address in any form at times. I guess this made them mad more than anything.
I hated holidays, especially Mothers day, the teachers didn't understand why I refused to do anything for mothers day, I told them, that I don't have a mother anymore, that she is dead. They tried to convince me, that the people I live with are my parents. I remember
telling one of those teachers, that I'd rather, the devil himself was my parent but those monsters I am forced to live with.
The shock of this womans face war worth it. She never tried to force me to do anything for mothersday again, she was my teacher for 3 years. The warden tried to get me to acknowledge mothersday too, but I refused to buy flowers. The pedophile gave me money on one Mothersday and told me to buy flowers. I loved to get out of the house, so I did buy those flowers and gave those to him. He told me to give those flowers to the warden. I went to the warden and told her, that those flowers are from her husband. She looked at me and then at the flowers, her reply was, I understand he gave you the money for you to buy those flowers for me for mothersday? I told her, no I'd never would give her anything for mothersday, since she is not my mother and because she is always mean to me, I wouldn't buy her a thing, even if I was rich. She turned so red, I've never seen
anybody since turning this color. She screamed at me, grabbed me while I was trying to flee, and she started to beat on me. She grabbed me by my hair and threw me with all her might (she was 5'10 and weighed about 250 lbs) against the heater. It stunned me,
I couldn't breathe or move, the pain in my ribs were agony, I bled from my ankle, my hands and elbows. Then the pedophile came in the room with the whip, she yelled at him to give it to me, he took the whip and beat me so badly, that my head started to bleed.
I tried to escape and run to the police, they knew what was on my mind, so they dragged me upstairs and locked me in my room.
I had to take care of my wounds myself, I could wash myself off in the sink, which was in my room. I was 11 years old at that time.
I wasn't allowed to go to school for over a week, then the threats started, if I would tell, they'll kill me. Oh what a save environment.
I was forced to live in, all in the name of "Kindeswohl" (child welfare). The clothes they forced on me is another thorny issue.
All hand-me-downs from poor or very large families. Those clothes were ok maybe during the war, because people didn't care then how they looked because they were to busy to survive. But a preteen shouldn't be subjected to teasing, mobbing and assaults, because of clothes. I was lucky, I had (still have) my best friend Edeltraud. So when went to school, I stopped at Edeltrauds house first, so I could change clothes, that were normal and modern, and then we went to school together. I did it for years, the monsters never got a whiff of it all.
I also was forced to go to church. In order to prove, that I've been there, I had to bring that little pamphlet they gave out after the sermon. Well the monsters never did go to church, so I either made sure, that I got at the church a few minutes before the sermon was over, so I could get that pamphlet, or I paid an another child 50 Pfennig (which I took out of the wardens billfold) so that she/he brings me a pamplet and we would met up someplace. Then came the time, I had to go to confirmation classes, each Tuesday
night and we had to go to church every Sunday sign ourselves in, to prove that we were there. I had no way around those classes on Tuesdays, I'd missed a few nevertheless. The Sundays, I'd either go to church, signed myself in and left, if I wanted to watch a
movie in the cinema I asked other kids, to sign in for me, sometimes I had to pay 1 Deutsche Mark, but it worked.
The only time I actually had to go to church, as we had our knowledge of the bible tested, the Sunday prior to the confirmation. I've made a point to remember a few things, did my part and forgot all about this bible BS almost immediately. The day of confirmation came, it was a month before my 14th birthday, lots of people came to do what?
See how much the monsters did for me, the poor little orphan girl? They came and brought lots of presents, presents I wasn't allowed to keep for myself. I don't know what those monsters did with all the money and other stuff. The pedophile told me, that I would get some of the money back, if I would dance with him. Well I figured since there were so many people around us, nothing more could happen than only that dance. I was disgusted with this man, but I danced with him, since I wanted to buy some new clothes for myself.
I was planning to hide at Edeltrauds house, so I'd have my own clothes to wear for school. I was so happy about that, that I even smiled and I didn't fight him off, as he pulled me closer to him during that dance. But 4 years later, that dance with this man, would be held against me in court, as the monsters would stand trial for child abuse and sexual assault on a minor child.
Another thing they were good at, was the silent treatment. After they beat me, for whatever reason, most of the time for the simple reason, I was neglected and abused ever since I was 6 weeks old, it kills the soul of a child. The child is physiologically and physically destroyed, thus behavior problems.
The monsters didn't understand, and I think, that they never tried to understand. The youth agency knew what happened to us kids, but they didn't care.
The silent treatment lasted as long as 6 weeks continuously. I wasn't allowed to speak to them and they would act, like I was not there. I wasn't allowed in the kitchen, I was given food that I was to take upstairs to my room, to eat there. Most of the time I flushed the food down the toilet and then I left the dishes in front of the connecting door between the hallway and the living area, downstairs. If they felt like punishing me during that time, I just got a beating and was sent upstairs. The stairs were located in the front part of the house. There was the front entrance, to the left the stairs, to the right the bathroom, besides the stairs was a door to the basement, and then there was this connecting door, which led to the rest of the living area. Every time I could, I would sneak out through the basement to hang out with my friends, and I came back the same way. The monsters never knew, because I never got caught or punished for that, but the nightly ritual with the homework went on to the day I got away from them.
It was the Friday prior to the Monday, that I got away permanently from those monsters. The warden was at work in the nursery and I had just come from school, it was during the silent treatment time, I looked for food and he caught me. He dragged me into the dining room, where the chase lounge was, he forced me down on it, got mine and his pants down, all the while he held both of my arms together above the head, and he did the other stuff with the other hand.
I tried to fight him off, but I wasn't strong enough. Finally, he had to let go, because he tried to enter me, that was the time I kicked him with all my might, and luckily right in his balls, it gave me enough time to get away from him. I screamed at him and I held this knife in my hand (I had the habit of hiding knifes all over the house in cracks or underneath pillows, since I was the one who was responsible for cleaning the house, was it easy) and said in a very loud voice, "If you ever, ever come close to me again, I'll kill you"! He just looked at me, got his pants and underwear and left. I didn't see him until the next day.
Even though it was silent treatment time, both of them were eager to talk to me, that makes me think, that the warden knew about it, she knew that I always told the truth, when I tried to tell her of the assaults on me, by her husband. I didn't get into it. I was allowed to hang out with my friends, I told Edeltraud about the last incidence and how the monsters reacted the next day. That was the time I decided to go to the youth agency to meet my Vormund (Guardian) Herr Brockmann.
I played the game with the monsters that weekend. I
was polite, no more. That Monday after school, did we go to Herrn
Brockmanns office. I told
him what has happened that past Friday, I told him, that he sexually abused me
already a few months after I was forced to live with
them. He just looked at me and told me, to go back there, and that they would
make sure, that they'll never hurt me again. I was
shocked, I told him that I rather kill myself then go back to those monsters,
but that before I do that, I'll write letters to all
the media, newspapers and television on how purposely everybody from the youth
agencies to teachers ignored me, when they were told of the abuse. Well that
worked, but I need to mention, that by that time, I got onto the windowsill of
his office which was on the 4rth floor. I think, that I convinced him about the seriousness of the
situation. He made a few phone calls, he found a place
for me at a open girls home in
I then went to the police,
they let me talk to a psychologist, who took somewhat care of me over those 4
years, until the trial. I was a severely damaged kid by that time. I ran away
all the time, didn't go to school for weeks, lived on the streets 90% of the
time until I was 16, but I felt the first time in my life save. I was safer on the
streets than in Ruebezahl or at those monsters. Since
I wasn't allowed to go to the Gymnasium a school that
will lead kids, who go there to college and universities, I was stuck with a
very bad future and hopelessness, in
Anyhow, the month of October 1972 did I ended up with Tine, a woman who saved me from the horrors of the home for "troubled" children, which were known for their tortures. The court date came in February 1974, I found only 10 days prior about this fact. I wonder why? Nobody told me, that I should get a lawyer, who could've helped me
get "my witnesses" to come to court to testify in my behalf. As I sat there in the hallway, all alone, all by myself, scared to death of having to face those monsters again, this Butch came by, stopped in front of me and told me, if you dare cry during your testimony, I make sure, that you'll be locked up in the psychiatry. Well I finally got called in, I didn't look at those monsters, I was afraid of what I might do or say to them. In order not to cry, I made grimaces, which later the media took for "smiles", well I certainly didn't smile, I felt like crying, screaming and breaking stuff but not smiling.
Because of that and the fact that I was a from the child protection agency kidnapped baby, worked against me. The pedophile first got 2 1/2 years of probation, which was dropped later on, why? the warden got 2 years of probation. Needless to say, my witnesses, psychiatrist and Doctors, were not allowed to testify, why? What a joke, I got 7 years of solitary confinement with abuse, sexual assault and torture, and they got a slapped on the wrist.
1980 did I receive the great news, that the pedophile had a car accident in which he got hurt badly, and it took him 2 years to die under most intense pain. Good so, at least this man got to feel part of the pain they subjected me to for 7 long years. Unfortunately, the warden is still alive, sunken into herself, shorter and smaller, on a walker. I saw her again in 2006. If my husband wouldn't have held me back, I don’t know what I’ve done to her, - it might have been verbal, but she is not worth it.
The pedophile is dead.
Great, at least one child molester less on this earth